Mirrors (10)

Dear Friend,

I don't like mirrors. I think I spend about a half an hour a day, total, looking at myself in the mirror. I need like 10 minutes to dry my hair, a few minutes for makeup, and a quick check after I get dressed to make sure everything is covered. I might check my teeth after lunch (Since none of my co-workers ever tell me if I have a shrub of spinach sticking out of my teeth) and I'll make sure my hair isn't all over the place around 2pm but I don't ever make eye contact with myself. Is that weird? The funny thing is I never knew about my aversion to mirrors until I joined my gym. There are mirrors EVERYWHERE, friend. It's so hard to ignore myself when I'm staring back at myself every where I turn.

Finding myself surrounded by mirrors was hard for me in the beginning. I liked the ignorant bliss of denial. I had an image in my head of what I looked like. Unfortunately, that image was outdated. I'd gotten around that reality by always volunteering to be the one to take the pictures so I didn't have to be in the pictures. I bought loose fitting clothes so I could live in the illusion that I was losing weight. I put up lots of walls. I surrounded myself with a warm fuzzy blanket of denial.

The road to becoming truly healthy means having the courage to tear down the walls you have surrounded yourself with. You have to be able to honestly face every flaw and weakness in order to get stronger. This is terrifying, friend. It means making eye contact with the person in the mirror. It means rolling up your sleeves and having the nerve to get to work.

My outside self still doesn't match my inside self. I have been working out for two years now. I am certainly stronger and healthier and I look better but I still don't like those damn mirrors. I'm not sure why, friend. I understand the purpose of mirrors in the gym. They are for checking your form while performing certain exercises so you don't injure yourself. However, right now, all they do is remind me of how far I have left to go. Every time I squat, "Oh, hello love handles!" Every time I punch, "Hello, batwings!" I wish gyms could have a room for beginners where the mirrors were those carnival mirrors that made you look tall and skinny. Then when you built up enough confidence and self-esteem you could graduate to a room with more honest mirrors because you were more emotionally prepared for it.

I still don't make eye contact with myself in the gym mirrors, friend, even after two years. That's something I'll need to dig a little deeper to understand. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for all the years of neglect. Forgiveness, for me, takes time.

In the meantime, I'm hoping actions speak louder than words. I'm working really hard to get my health back. I keep trying to find different ways to encourage and love myself. Any successful partnership will tell you that it's all the little things you do for each other that matter. All the positive nouns like kindness, thoughtfulness, and honesty help to create a strong and healthy relationship. The same goes for how we treat our inner selves. In our fast paced worlds we often forget that the person staring back at us in the mirror needs our attention too.

                                                      

There are things that I do look for in the gym mirror. For example, I check the mirrors to see how big my sweat ring is. I know that sounds gross, friend, but I'm proud of that sweat ring. If I can get it down to my waist I know I've had an epic workout. I also know that I will never give up on myself. I love who I am becoming. I hope you don't give up on yourself either, friend. Keep going! We'll get there together. Slow and steady progress is best but you have to take that first step. 

XO, Robin

p.s. if you want to learn more about health and wellness please like my Facebook page Oh my Quad!