Comparison (14)

Dear Friend,

Have you ever felt depressed or felt like you were failing in life because you haven't met the same milestones as the people around you?  Have you ever tried pushing a star shaped block through a square hole? I have news for you, friend, you're depressed because you are trying to fit in to someone else's mold. Please don't put yourself through that.

A few short years ago I reached a milestone birthday. When I was a young girl I always assumed that by this particular milestone birthday I would be married to a wonderful man and live in a house with a white picket fence. We would have a couple kids that liked to laugh and play outside in the sun. We would all live happy and healthy lives while the birds sang sweetly outside my window.

I watched too many Disney movies.

The reality was that I was a woman living alone in a 525 square foot house listening to my neighbors hurl F-bombs at each other while birds nested in the tree limbs above my car and used it for target practice. My life wasn't exactly the stuff of fairy tales... or was it?

I recently read a fascinating article about social comparison theory.  The theory talks about how there is a desire in each and every one of us to know who we are. To achieve this knowledge we tend to look at the people around us and compare our lives, opinions and abilities to theirs.  It's how we measure our success. There is a wonderful quote from Albert Einstein (according to the internet so it must be true) that says, "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid." I mean, we all know a fish can't climb a tree but if that fish was bombarded it's whole life with images and facts like "To be happy you have to climb that tree!". How do you think that fish feels when it can't do it, friend? Pretty awful, right?

When I realized that my 'social comparison cookie cutter' life was not going to happen the way I thought it would I felt terribly disappointed and lost. I started asking questions like, "What's wrong with me?" or "What did I do wrong?" or "Why isn't this working out for me?" But here's the problem with those kinds of questions... they assume that something is wrong.

Have you ever put together a puzzle, friend? I freaking love puzzles! I completely lose track of time when I'm working on a puzzle. Hours could go by without me realizing it. I get so focused on completing the bigger picture that I focus on finding just the right jigs and jags that fit together. The thing about puzzles is that there are so many pieces in that box that don't fit together but they do fit somewhere in the puzzle. 

That's the key. We all fit somewhere, friend. 

I've learned in my life that depression usually happens when I resist changing my perspective. Most people get stuck and stick with chasing after what they know and what they think will make them happy. They keep trying to fit the same wrong pieces together. It's frustrating and confusing when the things you thought you liked or wanted don't work for you anymore. Put those pieces down, friend, and try something new.

If you are brave enough to break free of old habits in order to develop new positive habits you'll be surprised at how many pieces of your life suddenly fall in to place. Surround yourself with the kind of people you aspire to be. They will open new doors for you and expose you to new experiences that may fill you with even more joy. Don't settle, friend, you are made of star stuff so aim higher and reach for the stars.

XO, Robin   

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